Myths

The stigma surrounding teen suicide can be so strong that many people believe not talking about it is the healthy approach. Nothing could be more wrong. Our children are very smart and they need honesty from the adults in their lives, not denial or cover-ups. We talk with our sons and daughters in age-appropriate times about all the other serious issues – alcohol, drugs, bullying, sex, date rape and violence. Why would we not discuss the child and teen suicides occurring throughout our communities?

Our children know about suicide; they see it too often in glamorized, entertainment venues and they hear about it more than we know through rumor, gossip, and pledged secret confidences. They are already discussing it among themselves; shouldn’t the caring adults in their lives be at that table? As I write these thoughts there are children out there today thinking about suicide, researching suicide on the Internet, planning a suicide and sharing their fears about it with their friends, sometimes, but more often in a lonely journal or in a lonely chat room with unknown strangers whom they believe they actually know. We can do better.

The Internet is a world in which our children live. The number of “suicide sites” not suicide prevention resources, is sickening and proliferating weekly. These sites tell our children how to commit suicide in vivid language and photos. These sites have videos of actual suicides. Our children can key into any number of these sites in a heartbeat and actually take a personality test to match their personality to the best suited method! I would want to talk with my child about this. I would want to talk with my children about their Internet use, appropriate sites, dangerous and unsafe sites and I would want to make a pact with my child about my oversight and knowledge of all their Internet activities. (Having them routinely log where they visit is one approach; if they omit logging one site, computer use is momentarily curtailed.)

Every six hours in our country a person takes their life by suicide. Suicide is the second cause of death among our older teens and youngsters age 10 – 13 comprise one of the fastest growing groups. Recently, the suicide of a 13-year old boy has rocked this small community and school with grief and profound loss. A month ago, the same exact tragedy occurred in a small community in the State College area. The circumstances were similar. People magazine wrote an article this month on the deaths of two 11-year old boys as the result of bullying.

The world in which we live is stressful, fast-paced, competitive, and frequently not very nice, safe or fair. This is the world in which we are trying to raise healthy and resilient children. How do we not talk about teen suicide? Every parent reading this today needs to tell each of their children, “You and I can work through and recover from any problem, any loss, any failure, any trauma, except your death.” Every parent also needs to tell their child, “I love you, I will love you through and in spite of anything you do – know that for the rest of your life.”

We have lost too many of our children to this tragic and unnecessary means of death. People, including our children and teens, do not actually want to end their lives – they only want to end the intense pain of the moment they are in. It is a moment of clouded judgment. Frequently this cloud is depression, coming to a critical intersection with a feeling of total hopelessness. Hopelessness is the common denominator in all suicides, an incorrect sense and belief that there is no way out, no solution to whatever the person is thinking and feeling.

Not talk about teen suicide? To not do so would be the height of irresponsibility, an abdication of the adult pact that we make with all children. We are here to love you, to protect you, to guide you, to protect you, to support you, to protect you every day through your journey to adulthood. Talking about teen suicide is a protective stance, an acknowledgement that it exists; they already know that. We need to ask our children, “What do you know of suicide? What do you think of suicide? What do you think is going through someone’s mind when they decide to end their life? Can you imagine this? Do you know anyone who has thought about suicide? If a friend told you they were thinking about it, what do you think you should do? What if they demand you keep it a secret? (And, please tell your child, this is one secret never to be kept – a life holds in the balance.)

Teen suicide prevention programs are out there and available. The Mental Health Association of Lebanon County is a chapter of the national and international Yellow Ribbon Teen Suicide Prevention program. The Director is Beverly Abernethy, whose only child committed suicide at the age of 19. Please feel free to call us (717) 273-5781 if you would like a program, staff training, assembly, informal meeting with a student club or a meeting for parents. We are here to help. Together, we can save lives.

Adolescence and pre-adolescence can be turbulent times for our children. New relationships, new expectations, physical changes in the body and just uncertainties about their identities and their futures can bewilder and overwhelm.

Suicide is a tough topic and one we wish we did not have to talk about – but we do. We talk with our children about all kinds of problems, sex, drugs, drinking and driving, date violence, peer pressures. Why would we not talk about teen depression and suicide?

Ask about friends – “Have any of your friends ever talked about suicide with you?”
Ask directly – “What do you think about suicide?” (Then listen and discuss – don’t preach or get angry.)
Ask – “If you learned that someone you know is thinking about taking their life, what would you do?” “Do you know never to keep a secret about suicide?” Help the person get help.
We live in a depressive age and depression among our children is at a crisis level. Ask your child regularly, “On a scale of 1 – 10, how are you feeling?”
When the suicide of a well-known person occurs, use the incident to ask questions, talk and listen. Don’t be afraid of the topic.
Be vigilant about texting. The more our children are allowed to do it the less we know about their world. Talking face to face is real communication.
Finally, reinforce your unconditional love, often. We all need to know we are loved, particularly when we are feeling unlovable.

If you suspect at any time that your child is struggling with depression, anxiety, mood swings or thoughts or expressions of suicide, ask for help. Our county Crisis line is 274-3363; Philhaven’s number is 273-8871; the local Mental Health/Mental Retardation agency is 274-3415; the local Mental Health Association is 273-5781. We all need to ask for help sometimes – together we can save lives.